Happyness - Bleh!

Today has not really been a very cheerful day.
I feel like there's a part of me that wants to leave. Like there is something that wants to be invisible. I certainly don't want that to happen.

It feels like being too happy. The problem about being too happy is that you know you might end up in tears sometime. The heart broken, slashed, torn across the middle and left to bleed away in the darkness. We all want to be happy. We don't want to cry. No feeling lost or forlorn. But is that even possible? Ever?

I don't like these "Hormone" thingies. They don't let me be happy too long -__-"
Ohh!
Ever felt like you were used? By the people you thought loved you a lot???
If you haven't, trust me, its not a nice place to be. There's a point in people's lives when they saturate into not being afraid to lose you. And they are pretty damn sure that you officially have no life without them. In my case, I'm not too sure that's entirely true. And I am kinda sick of the fact that I have to end be being treated like somebody who is hanging around them to do me a favor. I cannot fathom why I have to be the victim and the torch-bearer to people who lack basic human courtesy.

Am I really such a resoundingly cheap person? O_O
Do I send vibes out that say that I'm only an "attention-whore" and all I do is "whine day in and day out" so much so that, everything I say, everything I feel is sidelined and ignored?.

True, maybe I am a little conceited. But then, aren't we all?

Ho Ho Ho!!

After a short and non-surprising dinner today, I reluctantly sat back on the couch to watch some television. In so many ways, I've outgrown television. I confine myself to things that are not too highly boring these days which don't really include all the regional farce-oriented channels. So anyway, I sat back for some Masterchef. Trust me, I love that show. I know I am horrifying at cooking, but there is something about shows that show me how to cook things (I watch and don't really replicate them in the kitchen =P). Since the last season of Masterchef Australia ended, I've been pretty heart-broken. India has tried (and failed) at recreating this. I noticed something very weird about the way Indians were reacting to the pressure of the competition and the way the Americans and the Australians reacted to the competition.

Australians and the Americans were all "I want to make it to the finals because I want me to be good at something I really care about" while the Indians were all about "I want to make it to the finals because I want to make my relatives happy". I know, this is probably a little too stupid of me, but then again, I couldn't help but notice their ultimate satisfaction factor. Why would anybody want to do something that is not entirely making them happy? Isn't that what life should be about? - Finding YOUR purpose?!

But then, I looked at myself. I am one to talk. I end up feeling like a soggy biscuit when I'm not pleasing people. I act like I've been violated when peoples reactions don't go my way.

I suppose there is that tinge of desperation in all of us. Its the disease of trying really hard to please people, of trying very hard to be accepted.
So here is my part of the Christmas spirit (These are not resolutions per se, just something I know I need to do ^^). I am going to be the person who I really want to be. I want to choose to be a happy person. I want to choose to be somebody who can manage to be blissful even at times of ultimate sorrow. I want to choose for myself a life where I know I can be in control even when everything is topsy-turvy.

Sounds a little to optimistic eh? But hell yes I am trying!! =)
We always have a choice. And all our choices have consequences. It will be fun however, to see those who've made the wrong choices - and made it seem like I'm the one who has been wrong - tumble down into unworthiness. Afterall, what's life without a little dark humor? ;)

Merry Christmas 2011!!!
XOXO

Desolate

A selfless beam of light has traveled,

Bent against sticks and moved through glass,

Through the dirt and through the grass,

Yet it was not lost nor destroyed.

A passing pair of wings wonder-struck,

A gaping question flashed unheard,

"Could it ever be mine?" she asked,

And flew past with mounds of doubt.

With truth seeping into her soul, 

She knew nothing could ever be hers,

For she wasn't hers and neither was her self ,

She is owned, ordered and tread upon.

As an enchanting world smiles at her,

Which she ought not embrace,

Her wounds are never allowed to heal,

But salted in everlasting memory.

While her heart soars away into dreams,

Her mind knows better and is convoluted,

A foot in reality and another in abstractness,

Her false world, truly her own has her desolate.

~ Pixie   

All Christmassy!

Barely 30 minutes to go for 12 to strike. It still qualifies as Christmas Eve to me O_O
I cannot help but want to go back to when I was a kid. Sure, I wasn't born into a Christian family, but then again, my parents were not too strict about being rooted to "tradition" anyway. I still remember wishing to wake up to a Christmas Tree and to see a tonne load of presents. Back then, I didnt really understand human politics and I wish I was still that innocent in so many ways.

Lets face it, growing up sucks. Its true, "Be careful what you wish for and you just might get it". Whoever said that, really knew what he was talking about. When I was a kid, all I wanted to do, was to grow up - SO BAD!!. I'd wish everyday, that I was old enough to be myself. And now that I am, I miss being a kid. I miss being so sheepish and unaccountable. I miss wanting everything I saw and not worry of whether I could afford it.

Its true, time changes all and doesn't leave a speck behind for anybody to notice what it has brought with it. None-the-less, as I sit here, to crackers bursting outside my window to usher in another Christmas, here's to renewed sense of innocence and a new perspective of life. It's a little bit of a cliche with the posting on Christmas Eve and everything, but heck! Its one cliche I'm happy to have assisted in!!

I just hope, we all take a minute away from partying/celebrating and pray for ourselves, our friends, the people who are nice to us and the people who are mean to us and those who don't have anybody to pray for themselves for a Merry Christmas.

God Bless!!
^^

Quote much?

"There comes a time in your life, when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you focus solely on the good, After all, life is too short to be anything but happy"

I am one of those hopeless people who Google up quotes to make them feel better. Many people might be spiteful about it but that's okay. And through the entirety of this post, I've just realized I type and backspace a lot more than I should. 

Some quotes are weird, some are perverted and some are blatantly true. Like the time I Google-ed something on the economy, I got something related to severe vulgarity =|

On so many levels, Google is so much like a person, sometimes daft, sometimes too cheeky and sometimes plain comforting. Relationship problems? - Google. Personal problems? - Google. Too happy about something? - Google. Too sad about something? - Google.

As tech-savvy as I'd like to be. I just wish, there was one person out there who wouldn't mind being my Google. And its hilarious how I've tried so hard to be there for somebody. I've tried so hard at pleasing people all of my 19.5 years of life. I've tried incessantly to be the "nice girl". Why is that tag acquired by the people who are rated the "prettiest"? The half who read this are judging me right now "OH! this person must be ugly then! xD" and the other half are probably on their way to close the tab. But then again, isn't that all that we've been doing all our lives? Aren't we all trying to please somebody else because we're too afraid to be that person who we've isolated and not talked to because we choose to be judgmental about them before we even know them??

I'll be honest. As much as I'm done pleasing people, I'm not ready to be subjected to immense and pointless hate. I'm not ready to be the reject. I just want to fit in...too much to ask I suppose.

Google tells me "Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?"

If I was meant to stand out, I would have known that already, wouldnt I?...

Hefty matter this!

Holidays. 

Times when I'm supposed to be sleeping like I've been awake a thousand years.

But not this time. I woke up happily at 11:00AM and for some reason found the good old weighing machine. Again, for another reason, I had to step on it and check out how much I weighed.

Yes, I regret doing that.

I was so appalled at my weight. I couldnt have gained so much weight in such a short time. I could sense bulimic urges sweeping through me. I could just feel all the old taunts from school coming back to me. I dont like being fat or heavy. I dont want to be sidelined in the social chain again. Not that I'm a big fan of the chain, but then again, at the moment, I dont really have much choice left do I? Its like that old saying, "If you cant beat them, join them". I just feel this whole pang of heaviness falling upon me. Being fat - not really nice, for anybody.

Its ironic how I feel this way, considering how hard I try to not associate myself with the system. Its shocking how I can fall into the pit of collegiate education where I'm judged not by my brains, but by how pretty and socially acceptable I look. Welcome to the post-teen world, where I'm just one of the many smithereens, trying to bounce off a wall and creep up this social ladder. Lets face it, we're all scared of being total rejects. Even the ones, like me, who pretend not to care. And I for one, have done this before, tried hard to keep my weight from weighing all over the place. 

Maybe because its too hard for me to fall for peer-pressure. There were tonnes of people who were smoking up, getting drunk, getting all high and "fly" at this recent "event" I was at. And I realize now that since I wasnt a part of it, I'm not allowed to be a part of anything. And since I'm fat too (due to recent discovery), no wonder I'm sham-ed. I hate this. 

Thats it then, NO MORE FOOD. I dont want anything anymore. I am so done being "fat" and I dont care if I'm giving in to the peer pressure thing. I just want to feel happy about myself. I dont see my sun blooming from the horizon anytime soon anyway.

I should also blog more. Damn Law School!!! 

Feline Affair

Two of the four kittens are gone =(
I feel like a scrambled egg right now. True they were noisy and pooped all over the place. But for some reason, it feels so empty without them. Even the mommy cat was looking for the two kittens. My aunt went over to some person she knew and gave the kittens to her because that woman promised somebody needed them...

But honestly, people who hurt kittens are going to hell -__-"
Me, my heart broken self and the two remaining kittens are sitting here in this dinghy room and I'm pretty sure I'm screwed in the head.

Much to some peoples dismay, I dont like being jobless. Sure, I procrastinate a lot. And I pride myself in being a procrastinative-last-minute person. Besides, at the given moment, I'm jailed in the house. I mean, with parents like mine, who question the "goodness" of my "friends", their logical explanation for me not having a life is because I have to be safe. Look at me!, I'm nearly 19, with hardly any social life at the moment, with a grueling set of predecessors who want me to be "lady-like" (I'll get to this later) and whose future looks like a very huge, twisted question mark.


At the moment, my individuality and my kitten-love-emotions are severely hurt. I think I need some ice-cream to wear out all this depression...


I miss the kittens!! T_T

Sun Of A Gun

"Dont compare your answers!" the teachers would shout out when they gave out the answer sheets. I wonder why they said that. After continual attempts of declaring their impartiality in evaluating our papers, its odd that they tell us not to compare our answer sheets. I guess this is where competition and the historic legacy of ass-kissing starts.

I've suddenly begun to discover that my life is so acidic. If I had known better as a kid who was asked not to compare, I would have kissed ass all the way to fame. Too bad I have too much self-respect to do that. Crazy how comparison can fall into a family. I've officially lost the meaning of relationships. I didn't know "love" toward me was weighed in comparison to somebody else. I'm not saying I'm too awesome and god-sent to be dissed (maybe I am, a little bit =P). It doesn't feel nice being looked at like some worthless piece of  trash. Is that all that a family has to offer? To be compared and told what I shouldn't deserve. I'm subconsciously detached to everything now. Nothing matters..well, nothing matters to them does it?.

I've lost faith in myself. Everything is a challenge. Its a strife everyday and I dont see an end to any of it.
Maybe I need to be a rebel?, because I sure as hell don't see a way out. Especially when I'm blamed as a downfall to everything.

Its Weird?

Some people are born and destined for something. While, some others look over to the other side and wonder whether they could deserve what the next person has. I guess I'm not destined to be a part of a clique. Its remarkably strange as to how I can be a part of a huge group and still not want to personally include my head in their conversation.

To my utter dismay, I guess people like me are the ones branded "Emo"?.
Maybe in that case, Sheldon Cooper is the BIGGEST Emo there is. He could be our king you know. Maybe I'm too evolved for socializing like that. I personally find it so annoying that some of these people hang around with you because they either feel sorry for you or because they need a ride home, both of which suck.

Oh well, if somebody did pay attention to this sick kind of self decision of people and who they associate with, kudos to your senses. I'm pretty sick of living in such a stereotypical society anyway. I dont want to have to shed blood, sweat and tears just so that I'm not "looked down upon". Sure, it sounds rash, inconclusive and to a large extent rebel-like. But I'm just a part of those thousands like me, stuck in sticky situations with stupid "friends" who are pretentious little twits and with a home so much farther away than their houses.

Dear Grandpa

My grandpa passed away a month and a half before I was born. I've never met the man myself (DUH!) but I cant help but miss him. As weird as it may sound, I have a feeling he would have been such an amazing dude to be around especially to shut my parents up when they act off from time to time.

Not to brag (but eh! what the heck!?), but grandpa was a part of the II World War and he supposedly knew 16 languages, including Mandarin Chinese and Romanian. I didnt even know Romanian was a language till I was told. The dude was so awesome, he's smacked a kid Veerappan right on the face when he served as a Forest Officer of the sandalwood forests down in Karnataka. I even have a picture of the apprehension of the perpetrators to prove it! I honestly miss him. Yesterday marked 19 years since he died. Ok, I know this is getting a tad too much emotional but the man deserved it.

When my dad came to talk to him when he wanted to marry mum, apparently grand-dad said "Hope you know what you're getting into! You're marrying an absolute child". That golden statement stands true to this very damn day! Dad still doesnt know what he's gotten himself into. I'm typing this away into the din of banshee like yelling and screaming by mother dearest. I just wish if grandpa was here, he'd come up with something really awesome to shut her up for a while (much appreciated gramps!).

The cat and her kittens are taking too much of my time. I cant STOP cuddling them. The next thing I know, I have fur all over my shirt because these felines wont stop being pampered. Grandpa loved animals. He has even saved tonnes of them from traps (including bears, hippos and snakes).

So now you know, where I get most of my weirdness from.
Thanks Grandpa, for giving me some of your awesome genes!
Love you!! Even though I have really met you. Wish I did though
^_^

Transition

Its odd how less than 24 hours of travelling can make me snuggle under a thick blanket at 2:30pm in the afternoon. Bangalore is pretty nice that way. Grannys place is intensely cold and I cant help but do two things most prominently - Eat and Sleep. I know pretty damn well that if I go on this way for the next few weeks, all the pounds I shed are going to find their way back to me. The rain isnt making things better anyway.

Thats a picture from the papers this morning. Apart from making me sleepy, its also making the construction upstairs a hassle. As it is, to get inside the house it feels like I'm walking into some den O_O.

Oh well, I guess I cant really complain. I was told I'm "whiny" by a certain somebody which is stupid because we're all the incredibly-constantly-whiny lot. Not really different from each other.

The biggest problem about moving to where granny lives - Relatives. Honestly, I havent really been the kind of a person who has enjoyed being in the presence of tonnes of relatives. Probably because not one single relative has ever been nice to me or to the rest of my predecessors. Besides, its always a hassle with these people. Honestly, nagging, complaining, some old family-hate shit happening all the time. Me and my brother fight all the time, not like I want to kill him or anything @_@

Apart from all the mangoes I'm ingesting and the massive amounts of praying, I'm feeling pretty stoned =/.

Freedom

When I inked the last fullstop in my answer sheet today, I was filled with the most awesome sensation ever. Shockingly so, it wasnt the fact that today was the last final of my second semester in my CC (Crappy College). I overflowed with the sudden sense of confrontation, of getting away from the evil tormenting me for two straight semesters in a row. It wasnt something horrifying (although the fact that my internet usage would be closely monitored gave me the heebie-jeebies), however, I feel this pain of intermittent nausea in the pit of my stomach.

I slept a meager five hours last night, occasionally waking up to the bloody dog tied downstairs howling in pain, and the horrific sweating and not to mention the sudden outbursts of "oh-god!-I-havent-studied-but-I-overslept!!!!" feeling which followed gentle self assurances that my cute wake up call isnt here yet. My life felt like it'd had been designed by God in such a hurry, he left out several important things to include. Anyway, all that aside, when I walked out of that exam hall, I prayed that it would be the last time I'd have to walk the corridors of the college, I prayed that these would be the last ever moments where I'd have to call myself a student of the college.

For a pretty rational person, I'm immensely god fearing, which again, people think I'm faking because they THINK I ought to be atheistic (whatever. >.<). Its like that saying you know, "Dirty dishwater, better than none" except in this case, a set of 32 teeth better than none aint it?. With my father nearly two hours away from coming to get me, I cannot feel but a sense of deep distraught over how uncertain my future is. I dont see myself anywhere. Probably because I'm out of hope, even if I'm constantly praying, predominantly because the God of the cosmos is never short of miracles. I'm personally scared. Which again, is an irony considering how I dont like to admit I'm afraid of things.

I just want to get out of here and I'm sure the ruler of all cosmos has a plan up that sleeve of His. If only I werent so scared out of my wits. Oh well, for now, I'm getting out, and I only pray that my will and His will is the same and I get to be where I want to be. It isnt something that I want done because I want to, I just dont want to disappoint....yet again..

Chugging along!

Yes, a deletion was on.
Yes, I left...
But the most amazing thing is, I've come back.

Sitting in probably the planets most hottest place, which is, without doubt infested with diseases of every kind, bugs and bitches, I cant really say life has been good.
I'm done listening to shit about how I should be the one doing all the adjusting.
I'm also done telling people that they suck. Apparently, I thought people could be sane. Like that ever happens.

Truth is, everybody has problems right?, maybe people should stop advising others with their problems when we are down. Yeah, when I'm worried about my exams, all I need to know is how you nearly flunked the last time (NOT). Its also true that we cant learn from other peoples experiences. Life is going to kick our rears in ways one or another.

The reason why I came back, is because being here, all by myself in a place lacking civilization, I was beginning to forget who I am. I dont want to get used to that and neither do I want to overdo myself and be a dramaqueen (which I am in any case! :P). All of us need reality I guess, and I'm searching for mine, in an insane world with confunded people much like myself. Through this self discovery, say hello to "Release Therapy".

Peace be done!