Hefty matter this!

Holidays. 

Times when I'm supposed to be sleeping like I've been awake a thousand years.

But not this time. I woke up happily at 11:00AM and for some reason found the good old weighing machine. Again, for another reason, I had to step on it and check out how much I weighed.

Yes, I regret doing that.

I was so appalled at my weight. I couldnt have gained so much weight in such a short time. I could sense bulimic urges sweeping through me. I could just feel all the old taunts from school coming back to me. I dont like being fat or heavy. I dont want to be sidelined in the social chain again. Not that I'm a big fan of the chain, but then again, at the moment, I dont really have much choice left do I? Its like that old saying, "If you cant beat them, join them". I just feel this whole pang of heaviness falling upon me. Being fat - not really nice, for anybody.

Its ironic how I feel this way, considering how hard I try to not associate myself with the system. Its shocking how I can fall into the pit of collegiate education where I'm judged not by my brains, but by how pretty and socially acceptable I look. Welcome to the post-teen world, where I'm just one of the many smithereens, trying to bounce off a wall and creep up this social ladder. Lets face it, we're all scared of being total rejects. Even the ones, like me, who pretend not to care. And I for one, have done this before, tried hard to keep my weight from weighing all over the place. 

Maybe because its too hard for me to fall for peer-pressure. There were tonnes of people who were smoking up, getting drunk, getting all high and "fly" at this recent "event" I was at. And I realize now that since I wasnt a part of it, I'm not allowed to be a part of anything. And since I'm fat too (due to recent discovery), no wonder I'm sham-ed. I hate this. 

Thats it then, NO MORE FOOD. I dont want anything anymore. I am so done being "fat" and I dont care if I'm giving in to the peer pressure thing. I just want to feel happy about myself. I dont see my sun blooming from the horizon anytime soon anyway.

I should also blog more. Damn Law School!!!