Happyness - Bleh!

Today has not really been a very cheerful day.
I feel like there's a part of me that wants to leave. Like there is something that wants to be invisible. I certainly don't want that to happen.

It feels like being too happy. The problem about being too happy is that you know you might end up in tears sometime. The heart broken, slashed, torn across the middle and left to bleed away in the darkness. We all want to be happy. We don't want to cry. No feeling lost or forlorn. But is that even possible? Ever?

I don't like these "Hormone" thingies. They don't let me be happy too long -__-"
Ohh!
Ever felt like you were used? By the people you thought loved you a lot???
If you haven't, trust me, its not a nice place to be. There's a point in people's lives when they saturate into not being afraid to lose you. And they are pretty damn sure that you officially have no life without them. In my case, I'm not too sure that's entirely true. And I am kinda sick of the fact that I have to end be being treated like somebody who is hanging around them to do me a favor. I cannot fathom why I have to be the victim and the torch-bearer to people who lack basic human courtesy.

Am I really such a resoundingly cheap person? O_O
Do I send vibes out that say that I'm only an "attention-whore" and all I do is "whine day in and day out" so much so that, everything I say, everything I feel is sidelined and ignored?.

True, maybe I am a little conceited. But then, aren't we all?

Ho Ho Ho!!

After a short and non-surprising dinner today, I reluctantly sat back on the couch to watch some television. In so many ways, I've outgrown television. I confine myself to things that are not too highly boring these days which don't really include all the regional farce-oriented channels. So anyway, I sat back for some Masterchef. Trust me, I love that show. I know I am horrifying at cooking, but there is something about shows that show me how to cook things (I watch and don't really replicate them in the kitchen =P). Since the last season of Masterchef Australia ended, I've been pretty heart-broken. India has tried (and failed) at recreating this. I noticed something very weird about the way Indians were reacting to the pressure of the competition and the way the Americans and the Australians reacted to the competition.

Australians and the Americans were all "I want to make it to the finals because I want me to be good at something I really care about" while the Indians were all about "I want to make it to the finals because I want to make my relatives happy". I know, this is probably a little too stupid of me, but then again, I couldn't help but notice their ultimate satisfaction factor. Why would anybody want to do something that is not entirely making them happy? Isn't that what life should be about? - Finding YOUR purpose?!

But then, I looked at myself. I am one to talk. I end up feeling like a soggy biscuit when I'm not pleasing people. I act like I've been violated when peoples reactions don't go my way.

I suppose there is that tinge of desperation in all of us. Its the disease of trying really hard to please people, of trying very hard to be accepted.
So here is my part of the Christmas spirit (These are not resolutions per se, just something I know I need to do ^^). I am going to be the person who I really want to be. I want to choose to be a happy person. I want to choose to be somebody who can manage to be blissful even at times of ultimate sorrow. I want to choose for myself a life where I know I can be in control even when everything is topsy-turvy.

Sounds a little to optimistic eh? But hell yes I am trying!! =)
We always have a choice. And all our choices have consequences. It will be fun however, to see those who've made the wrong choices - and made it seem like I'm the one who has been wrong - tumble down into unworthiness. Afterall, what's life without a little dark humor? ;)

Merry Christmas 2011!!!
XOXO

Desolate

A selfless beam of light has traveled,

Bent against sticks and moved through glass,

Through the dirt and through the grass,

Yet it was not lost nor destroyed.

A passing pair of wings wonder-struck,

A gaping question flashed unheard,

"Could it ever be mine?" she asked,

And flew past with mounds of doubt.

With truth seeping into her soul, 

She knew nothing could ever be hers,

For she wasn't hers and neither was her self ,

She is owned, ordered and tread upon.

As an enchanting world smiles at her,

Which she ought not embrace,

Her wounds are never allowed to heal,

But salted in everlasting memory.

While her heart soars away into dreams,

Her mind knows better and is convoluted,

A foot in reality and another in abstractness,

Her false world, truly her own has her desolate.

~ Pixie   

All Christmassy!

Barely 30 minutes to go for 12 to strike. It still qualifies as Christmas Eve to me O_O
I cannot help but want to go back to when I was a kid. Sure, I wasn't born into a Christian family, but then again, my parents were not too strict about being rooted to "tradition" anyway. I still remember wishing to wake up to a Christmas Tree and to see a tonne load of presents. Back then, I didnt really understand human politics and I wish I was still that innocent in so many ways.

Lets face it, growing up sucks. Its true, "Be careful what you wish for and you just might get it". Whoever said that, really knew what he was talking about. When I was a kid, all I wanted to do, was to grow up - SO BAD!!. I'd wish everyday, that I was old enough to be myself. And now that I am, I miss being a kid. I miss being so sheepish and unaccountable. I miss wanting everything I saw and not worry of whether I could afford it.

Its true, time changes all and doesn't leave a speck behind for anybody to notice what it has brought with it. None-the-less, as I sit here, to crackers bursting outside my window to usher in another Christmas, here's to renewed sense of innocence and a new perspective of life. It's a little bit of a cliche with the posting on Christmas Eve and everything, but heck! Its one cliche I'm happy to have assisted in!!

I just hope, we all take a minute away from partying/celebrating and pray for ourselves, our friends, the people who are nice to us and the people who are mean to us and those who don't have anybody to pray for themselves for a Merry Christmas.

God Bless!!
^^

Quote much?

"There comes a time in your life, when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you focus solely on the good, After all, life is too short to be anything but happy"

I am one of those hopeless people who Google up quotes to make them feel better. Many people might be spiteful about it but that's okay. And through the entirety of this post, I've just realized I type and backspace a lot more than I should. 

Some quotes are weird, some are perverted and some are blatantly true. Like the time I Google-ed something on the economy, I got something related to severe vulgarity =|

On so many levels, Google is so much like a person, sometimes daft, sometimes too cheeky and sometimes plain comforting. Relationship problems? - Google. Personal problems? - Google. Too happy about something? - Google. Too sad about something? - Google.

As tech-savvy as I'd like to be. I just wish, there was one person out there who wouldn't mind being my Google. And its hilarious how I've tried so hard to be there for somebody. I've tried so hard at pleasing people all of my 19.5 years of life. I've tried incessantly to be the "nice girl". Why is that tag acquired by the people who are rated the "prettiest"? The half who read this are judging me right now "OH! this person must be ugly then! xD" and the other half are probably on their way to close the tab. But then again, isn't that all that we've been doing all our lives? Aren't we all trying to please somebody else because we're too afraid to be that person who we've isolated and not talked to because we choose to be judgmental about them before we even know them??

I'll be honest. As much as I'm done pleasing people, I'm not ready to be subjected to immense and pointless hate. I'm not ready to be the reject. I just want to fit in...too much to ask I suppose.

Google tells me "Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?"

If I was meant to stand out, I would have known that already, wouldnt I?...

Hefty matter this!

Holidays. 

Times when I'm supposed to be sleeping like I've been awake a thousand years.

But not this time. I woke up happily at 11:00AM and for some reason found the good old weighing machine. Again, for another reason, I had to step on it and check out how much I weighed.

Yes, I regret doing that.

I was so appalled at my weight. I couldnt have gained so much weight in such a short time. I could sense bulimic urges sweeping through me. I could just feel all the old taunts from school coming back to me. I dont like being fat or heavy. I dont want to be sidelined in the social chain again. Not that I'm a big fan of the chain, but then again, at the moment, I dont really have much choice left do I? Its like that old saying, "If you cant beat them, join them". I just feel this whole pang of heaviness falling upon me. Being fat - not really nice, for anybody.

Its ironic how I feel this way, considering how hard I try to not associate myself with the system. Its shocking how I can fall into the pit of collegiate education where I'm judged not by my brains, but by how pretty and socially acceptable I look. Welcome to the post-teen world, where I'm just one of the many smithereens, trying to bounce off a wall and creep up this social ladder. Lets face it, we're all scared of being total rejects. Even the ones, like me, who pretend not to care. And I for one, have done this before, tried hard to keep my weight from weighing all over the place. 

Maybe because its too hard for me to fall for peer-pressure. There were tonnes of people who were smoking up, getting drunk, getting all high and "fly" at this recent "event" I was at. And I realize now that since I wasnt a part of it, I'm not allowed to be a part of anything. And since I'm fat too (due to recent discovery), no wonder I'm sham-ed. I hate this. 

Thats it then, NO MORE FOOD. I dont want anything anymore. I am so done being "fat" and I dont care if I'm giving in to the peer pressure thing. I just want to feel happy about myself. I dont see my sun blooming from the horizon anytime soon anyway.

I should also blog more. Damn Law School!!!